vaka

It's a quiet night. I'm sitting in my room, illuminated only by the glow of my two monitors, listening to some calming indie pop ("Hounds" by The Antlers, if you're so inclined). How many nights have I sat here in this exact same spot mildly dreading tomorrow's arrival? How many nights have I tried to stave it off by steadfastly refusing to go to bed? It's an all too familiar situation, unfortunately. (just look at the last post)

Back when I used to play Diablo 3, I would often hear my monk say, "Break beneath the endless tide". Well, I'm not breaking and I don't see myself doing so anytime soon but it really does feel like that, an endless, meaningless, joyless tide that washes over me in an oh-so-casual and effortless manner. 

It's a shame I don't know how to swim. Maybe if I had learned earlier, I would be better able to maneuver myself. And so, as I struggle, I ask myself, "Why am I even in the ocean?", "How long have I been here?", "Was I going somewhere?", "Where did I even come from?". 

And I can't seem to answer any of those. It seems that it isn't only my body that has been washed away but also my ...

My what? My memories, my motivations, my intentions ... what do all those constitute anyway ...

I wish I could leave this room. But where would I go? I don't think any physical location could placate me right now. It's not my body that I'm concerned with.

Where was I going with this post anyway? I look up and see ... a degeneration.

brb...